Lack of Self Love and Toxic Relationships

LAck of self love

Orig­i­nal­ly, I did a guest post on the Kiword about my encounter of how I attract­ed a nar­cis­sis­tic abuser. This blog post was so spe­cial to me I want­ed to put it here on my site as well. Read more below

I wasn’t aware the guy I was “talk­ing to” was a nar­cis­sis­tic abuser yet, but my own lack of self-worth was already knaw­ing at my insides deplet­ing me any feel­ings of wor­thi­ness thus pre­vent­ing me from nav­i­gat­ing through the world as my authen­tic self. It would take months for me to make the con­nec­tion between my lack of self-love and me attract­ing a nar­cis­sis­tic abuser.

Nar­cis­sists tend to feel enti­tled, with (over)inflated views of them­selves and low lev­els of empa­thy. Nar­cis­sis­tic abuse takes on many forms from emo­tion­al, men­tal, phys­i­cal, finan­cial, spir­i­tu­al, or sex­u­al. Read more about the signs here.

Some­times not trust­ing your gut can be the worst thing you do. It can put you in a sit­u­a­tion-ship you nev­er thought pos­si­ble. Let’s jump back a year ago. There I was 23, think­ing I had myself seem­ing­ly fig­ured out; I thought I had con­front­ed all my trau­mas, inse­cu­ri­ties, and char­ac­ter flaws about myself. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t on the #Self­Love band­wag­on– I lit my incense (some­one cue Erykah Badu), drank my yogi tea, reflect­ed in soli­tude, and took Epsom salt baths (Check out my “Strug­gle to Self Love” post here). Last year, showed me just how wrong I was- but where there’s pain, there’s growth.

In fact, I was the com­plete oppo­site of con­fi­dent. I con­stant­ly prac­ticed neg­a­tive self-talk. Lit­tle did I know I was cre­at­ing a fes­ter­ing cloud of neg­a­tive emo­tions and what we believe about our­selves we attract. So, it comes as no sur­prise that I attract­ed a super­cil­ious, inso­lent, and brag­gado­cious guy. Now, in the begin­ning, I held a strong dis­taste for him.  The red flags were evi­dent. My gut was urg­ing me to stay away.

When your body speaks- LISTEN.

When it tells you, “Hey, this doesn’t feel good,” LEAVE AND GET OUT. But as most peo­ple do, I over­an­a­lyzed the sit­u­a­tion even though the red flags were right in front of me. I thought to myself, let me be open mind­ed maybe I’m wrong about him: BIG MISTAKE!

Dur­ing our first few dates, he was the total oppo­site of our pri­or inter­ac­tions- in which he pre­sent­ed him­self in this grandiose fash­ion taunt­ing how dif­fer­ent and GREAT he was. He wasn’t any of that, in fact, he seemed sweet, lik­able, and roman­tic. As most nar­cis­sis­tic do, he hint­ed at future plans for us, say­ing how “I could be the one he mar­ries.”  There he was dan­gling the future in front of me, trick­ing me into com­mit­ting my ener­gy while he had no inten­tion to fol­low through with said promis­es.

“Don’t be fooled by the love-bomb­ing nar­cis­sists use to ‘shock and awe’ you into sub­mis­sion. They’ll go to great lengths and grand ges­tures to impress and dis­arm you.”

Short­ly after, the ” I’m so dif­fer­ent from every­one else,” It’s so hard being this great”,” You aren’t great, I’m great” com­ments start­ed. Talk about being picked apart day in and day out. He cri­tiqued me about the way I laughed, what I wore, even down to my cap­tions on Insta­gram.  It wasn’t just me he dis­sect­ed he did it with every­one. Every­one was SIMPLE while he was this great indi­vid­ual. He preached that so much that I start­ed to believe him ( hel­lo, self-worth, self-love where are you?). He was a mas­ter manip­u­la­tor, sit­u­a­tions where he was clear­ly in the wrong, he some­how man­aged to switch it back on me and make me believe I was the one at fault. This went on for months, but in his attempt to destroy me it only made me stronger, it made me want to be a bet­ter per­son, ini­tial­ly to appease him. Remem­ber, noth­ing you ever do is good enough for a nar­cis­sist because they will always find fault. What I had attract­ed was an “Attrac­tion of Depri­va­tion.” Accord­ing to psy­chol­o­gy today,

“Attrac­tions of depri­va­tion draw us in like an under­tow, and almost always get us hurt. We keep feel­ing we have to do some­thing to win our partner’s love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time wor­ry­ing about what we’ve done wrong, or what we can do dif­fer­ent­ly to make things right.”

In order to heal, I delet­ed every­thing of him and blocked him com­plete­ly from my life. Then came the self-for­give­ness- I had to be gen­tle with myself, there were times I felt dumb, used, gullible and naive.I couldn’t fath­om how I allowed some­one to manip­u­late me to that extent.  The sit­u­a­tion pro­pelled me to love myself uncon­di­tion­al­ly (Wel­come, Self Love!). I chose to free myself from the con­fines of my mind so that I could bloom.

I shared a glimpse of my sto­ry to bring light to nar­cis­sis­tic abusers. I believe if you are aware of the signs you’ll be less like­ly to fall for these tac­tics. It’s easy to say, that’ll nev­er hap­pen to me, but the truth of the mat­ter is it can hap­pen, and some­times you don’t know until you’re in it. Also, ladies trust that inkling deep in your bel­ly. It’s usu­al­ly right! Self-love is a hard road to the jour­ney, but it’s worth it.

For more infor­ma­tion and resources about any kind of abuse vis­it here.

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