Lack of Self Love and Toxic Relationships

Lack of Self Love and Toxic Relationships

Originally, I did a guest post on the Kiword about my encounter of how I attracted a narcissistic abuser. This blog post was so special to me I wanted to put it here on my site as well. Read more below

I wasn’t aware the guy I was “talking to” was a narcissistic abuser yet, but my own lack of self-worth was already knawing at my insides depleting me any feelings of worthiness thus preventing me from navigating through the world as my authentic self. It would take months for me to make the connection between my lack of self-love and me attracting a narcissistic abuser.

Narcissists tend to feel entitled, with (over)inflated views of themselves and low levels of empathy. Narcissistic abuse takes on many forms from emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual. Read more about the signs here.

Sometimes not trusting your gut can be the worst thing you do. It can put you in a situation-ship you never thought possible. Let’s jump back a year ago. There I was 23, thinking I had myself seemingly figured out; I thought I had confronted all my traumas, insecurities, and character flaws about myself. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t on the #SelfLove bandwagon– I lit my incense (someone cue Erykah Badu), drank my yogi tea, reflected in solitude, and took Epsom salt baths (Check out my “Struggle to Self Love” post here). Last year, showed me just how wrong I was- but where there’s pain, there’s growth.

In fact, I was the complete opposite of confident. I constantly practiced negative self-talk. Little did I know I was creating a festering cloud of negative emotions and what we believe about ourselves we attract. So, it comes as no surprise that I attracted a supercilious, insolent, and braggadocious guy. Now, in the beginning, I held a strong distaste for him.  The red flags were evident. My gut was urging me to stay away.

When your body speaks- LISTEN.

When it tells you, “Hey, this doesn’t feel good,” LEAVE AND GET OUT. But as most people do, I overanalyzed the situation even though the red flags were right in front of me. I thought to myself, let me be open minded maybe I’m wrong about him: BIG MISTAKE!

During our first few dates, he was the total opposite of our prior interactions- in which he presented himself in this grandiose fashion taunting how different and GREAT he was. He wasn’t any of that, in fact, he seemed sweet, likable, and romantic. As most narcissistic do, he hinted at future plans for us, saying how “I could be the one he marries.”  There he was dangling the future in front of me, tricking me into committing my energy while he had no intention to follow through with said promises.

“Don’t be fooled by the love-bombing narcissists use to ‘shock and awe’ you into submission. They’ll go to great lengths and grand gestures to impress and disarm you.”

Shortly after, the ” I’m so different from everyone else,” It’s so hard being this great”,” You aren’t great, I’m great” comments started. Talk about being picked apart day in and day out. He critiqued me about the way I laughed, what I wore, even down to my captions on Instagram.  It wasn’t just me he dissected he did it with everyone. Everyone was SIMPLE while he was this great individual. He preached that so much that I started to believe him ( hello, self-worth, self-love where are you?). He was a master manipulator, situations where he was clearly in the wrong, he somehow managed to switch it back on me and make me believe I was the one at fault. This went on for months, but in his attempt to destroy me it only made me stronger, it made me want to be a better person, initially to appease him. Remember, nothing you ever do is good enough for a narcissist because they will always find fault. What I had attracted was an “Attraction of Deprivation.” According to psychology today,

“Attractions of deprivation draw us in like an undertow, and almost always get us hurt. We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner’s love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time worrying about what we’ve done wrong, or what we can do differently to make things right.”

In order to heal, I deleted everything of him and blocked him completely from my life. Then came the self-forgiveness- I had to be gentle with myself, there were times I felt dumb, used, gullible and naive.I couldn’t fathom how I allowed someone to manipulate me to that extent.  The situation propelled me to love myself unconditionally (Welcome, Self Love!). I chose to free myself from the confines of my mind so that I could bloom.

I shared a glimpse of my story to bring light to narcissistic abusers. I believe if you are aware of the signs you’ll be less likely to fall for these tactics. It’s easy to say, that’ll never happen to me, but the truth of the matter is it can happen, and sometimes you don’t know until you’re in it. Also, ladies trust that inkling deep in your belly. It’s usually right! Self-love is a hard road to the journey, but it’s worth it.

For more information and resources about any kind of abuse visit here.

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